“It’s the most wonderful time of the year…” and yet it can be one of the bleakest times of the year for many. The joy and nostalgia of holiday memories with family and friends can only keep a person warm for so long, before the true “blue christmas” finds its way in. It’s an interesting thing, the need for love, for human connection and romance. Some days, those of us who are single can push aside those desires and find moments of happiness and joy. Other days, much like the one I am having today, the overwhelming sense of being alone crushes down with no remorse or respite. I try very hard to shield myself from these feelings, but one cannot spend every day in a crowd of friends, and sometimes funds are low so you can’t quite drown your sorrows in a bottle or smoke them away. Truth be told, I don’t have anything that can deaden the feeling of loneliness I feel right now, and yet I think that may just be a good thing. Knowing how I bottle up feelings and hide them from being seen, it’s both painful but cathartic to feel emotion. I found myself more than once today, blinking tears from my eyes in a state of misunderstood emotions, but all the while knowing deep down that I should allow them to bubble up. I like to believe that each tear that I shed is another layer I am also shedding. One that will help remove the hurt, and reveal a stronger, better, more understanding person. I can’t guarantee it, but I do feel that something lies within those tears, something more than just sadness. I feel that each time I reflect and begin to feel the immense sadness, a slightly stronger voice in my head finally creeps in and says “just let it go” and I finally am able to move forward. I have no doubt that this is all a process and that the lessons I am learning are both necessary and valuable, however painful they may seem. I am just beginning to learn the true depth of love, and of love lost, as I have never understood before, but all the same I am grateful. Today I saw a quote that resounded with me: “No amount of guilt can solve the past, and no amount of anxiety can change the future” – Unknown. This quote gave me a sense of peace and hope, because I know that the past is there for a reason but the future is coming and nothing can change that, so best to embrace it rather than fight. I would love nothing more than a snowflake encircled kiss in the moonlight on a Christmas evening stroll, or a kiss at midnight on New Years Eve with a band to play and fireworks to light the sky, however, for now I will settle for just getting through the holidays with my sense of self intact, and hope for a winter of growth, self-love, and cuddles from my cats.