Today was beautiful. The weather was amazing and I spent time with some of my best friends, having brunch and laughs. Perfect.
Got home and was thinking about life, and I felt so grateful. I love this feeling. For the first time, in a long time, I feel like I’m living “my best life” and the one that makes me feel happiest.
It’s funny how looking at the past makes you appreciate the present. I realize now that my relationship with my ex, while it had its place and purpose, might not have been the thing that was truly my end. I thought I wanted a life together and a future with the white picket fence and all that, but while walking around the neighborhood and seeing houses we talked about trying to buy in the past, it all felt wrong.
I like my life. My one bedroom apartment, that really was only made for one, and could only comfortably fit me (and the cats, of course!). The time spent with my friends, the drinks and fun and outings that I might have otherwise missed on account of trying to be at home with him. The moments in the sun that only come alone, and the focus on myself that has helped me transform physically, emotionally and mentally.
I now (post breakup) have this amazing network of friends who I love, a job that I look forward to going to, bosses that appreciate my work and show me kindness, a focus on fitness that I had let lay dormant for too long, and so much more! Every turn, there seems to be something beautiful waiting around the corner.
Heartbreaking as it seemed, the haze of grey that seemed so eternal at the time lifted and let in this whole bright colored existence that is my life, now. I want so much more than what he offered, and I seek so much better than he gave. I don’t feel the pressure any longer to be someone else’s happiness or to help them become someone better…only a need to better myself.
I realized it’s ok to have needs. It’s ok to be a bit demanding and speak the truth that was always right at the back of my throat, but that I wouldn’t let out, because of the fear of rejection. I can be myself. I can breathe. I can be as lazy as I want, let the dishes stack up, stay in bed all day or go play with my friends without permission or guilt. I don’t have to worry about if he won’t like my hair cut (he didn’t like short hair), and I can dress as weird as I like without him telling me it isn’t the right thing/look. It’s truly nice to feel ok with just being the me that I want to be.
I worried too much about if he would stay, if he would love me, if he felt the same way or not, if we had a future, if he liked how I looked. And not all of that was me. He didn’t tell me I was loved without being asked (often), he didn’t give me compliments regularly, he didn’t plan dates or get me surprises just because, even though I did all those things for him. He wasn’t all bad, but he wasn’t that great either, and I tolerated it. I reinforced bad behavior by not expecting more. I stood idly by and let this relationship become one sided, with goals diminished, dreams let go of, and expectations disintegrated.
As my friend K says to me, “I love you to infinity” and that’s the new bar. Friends, family, lovers, they all need to love me as preciously as I love them, to infinity.