Blame it on the wine (spritzer thank you! Since I’m being “healthy) … but sometimes I wonder what the real difference is in a relationship between being lonely and being happy?
Are they interchangeable? Where does one end and the other begin? For instance, am I happy because I was/am lonely and therefore find the company of someone else reassuring? It’s something to think about. Lately in my life I have felt a bit more introspective and I have realized how much I let my own happiness be dictated (in past) by loneliness. I let someone else fill the void (no pun intended) where I should have sought out my own joy, or tried to find the real reasons that I was blue.
I felt reassured and comforted by the presence of another person (mainly men) and now that I had some time alone, I realize that solitude can be just as nice as being wrapped up in another. ON THE OTHER HAND I won’t deny the feelings of happiness that come with experiencing some sort of relationship (if you want to call it that) and the moments that another person makes you smile by just being them.
So update: The Unicorn and I have been riding some sort of rollercoaster, and lately it’s been on the trip up hill. He did actually (as far as I know) keep true to his word and end it with his girlfriend. So this week has really been sort of a begin again. He’s been attentive, he’s sent flowers to work, he has listened to my boatloads of complaining about life, and just been a really nice complement to my status quo. And although I enjoy it a lot, it very much scares me to think about jumping in with someone. No matter how wonderful the present seems, I feel hesitation toward him because I don’t believe that we can be a “we” after the start we had and the end that is looming in the very near future. What’s the point of embarking on all this “perceived happiness” if it’s really all just building up to one big emotional let down.
I do try and hide it, but he sees through it, err me, and when I look at him in the eyes, face to face, I know there’s something. There’s “chemistry” or whatever you want to call it, but is that enough? Sexual attraction, shared interests, good conversation, lots of laughs and fun…but is it enough? Can it really be this easy? I thought before, when I was young and naïve, that it could…but now I’m not so sure.
Call me old, or jaded or whatever you want, but it’s hard to unlearn the lessons of the past, both bad and good, that made you the person you are now. So do I choose “happy” or do I push it away? My work wife K says to let it ride. My ride or die, L, says don’t do it. My sweet R, says give it a chance and the only voice that doesn’t ring loud and clear is my own. Choose to be alone, and presumably lonely, or experience this brief window of happiness with no expectation of a future. Is there any difference between the two, when in the end it just ends up with me, and my cats? Time will tell…
…and all my own hesitations aside, the Unicorn and his “ex” are still both in Facebook relationship status with one another, so I mean the break up clearly didn’t do THAT much damage, if it happened at all!