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Growth

Hair growth. Literally. I know…BORING, like watching the kettle boil, however, I want to document my journey.

1. Because I find great comfort/pleasure in documenting various aspects of my life.

2. To see just how fast (or slow) this process occurs.

3. Because I feel like it’s time.

To expound on that further…I should perhaps give a recap. Just about 6 weeks ago, May 9, 2018 to be exact, I shaved off my hair. I did this for a multitude of reasons but the most personal and most important of those reasons was that I wanted to exercise my ability in self love.

For as long as I have been out of the navy I had long hair (got out in 2011). Since then I have experimented with my hair and changed my look a bit, but never really drastically. Around 2 years ago I made the leap and shaved off the right third of my hair. I had always wanted to do the undercut and I had plenty of hair so I felt pretty good about it. Then last October time frame I cut the long side of it a little shorter (about chin length) and felt that was a nice change/new thing for me; as I was coming back from a breakup and was in a new job and just felt like my long hair was defining how I felt about myself at the desire of others (not my mother bc she hated the side shave lol).

Then in May of this year I felt like I should take the leap and go for the buzz. I said earlier it was an exercise in self love, and that was because I knew that I didn’t feel good about myself in many ways. I didn’t feel happy physically (I had put on some “comfortable relationship” weight, I had been in an office setting, etc) and I felt like I used my hair to hide other parts of when I felt less than beautiful. I would carefully take selfies with my hair covering that “double chin” or I would make my hair really fancy or cute so I could distract from an acne flare up. I would also use my hair as a safety net to my own ability to feel “feminine” or “sexy” and I wasn’t happy to feel that way. So came the clippers and all at once it was gone.

Once my hair was gone I felt both free and vulnerable. My face was on full display. Acne was obvious. Extra weight showed immediately in my face or my chin. I no longer looked like a “girl” in the eyes of many (who made it very very known) and I was somehow opened up as a target for people’s unsolicited thoughts and opinions.

I had to learn to let go of their small minded comments about my face, my (presumed) sexuality, my “mean” looking initial impression, or my “defiance” of cultural norms.

I vowed that until I felt I had overcome those struggles both internally and externally that I would not let myself grow my hair back. Long(er) hair would be my “reward” only when I could look in the mirror and accept who I am.

Happily now – I can say that while I don’t always look in the mirror and say “damn you look good girl,” I DO now appreciate who I see. I have found many ways in my life to work toward the person I want to become and that has manifested both physically, mentally and emotionally.

So as I look forward (begrudgingly) at the awkward phases to come (because we ALL know grow outs are a hot mess), I feel pretty confident that I can make it through those moments with a little laugh, a lot of hair product and still love the person inside.

I just cut my hair the other day with a 1.5 clipper guard so we shall see just how quickly my hair can grow! I’m excited to see my new “virgin” hair – that hasn’t been colored, permed, straightened, blowdried or damaged in any other way to see how it really is. I literally have no idea what it will be like, since I have had all those treatments (and more) done to my hair since I was a child in some way or combination.

Follow up posts to come, but here’s hoping I can keep my own head warm by Christmas!

By DreamerSD

Life enthusiast

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