If we start at the end, it would be the most recent, technically, so let me say that I survived. My heart was deeply, terribly, matter of factly broken recently. A bit of it broke by my own doing but part of it was done by another. Perhaps all of it was broken due to my own hopes, expectations or idealized dreams; nevertheless I live and continue on.
Part of me continues because I can actually reflect back and see times in the past when I truly thought my heart was inconsolable and I might never leave my bed again.
When I was in middle school, I loved a boy. We were made to break up because of strange, silly, youthful (and likely fortunate) circumstances, and I thought I’d never heal or love that much again, but then time went on…he is married to his high school sweet heart, with their children, and they are a lovely family – but a circumstance I would never have wanted or been happy with, so I know life was holding other cards for me.
In high school I dated a boy for years and I loved him. Graduation came and we parted ways, and again I thought I would never make it back up for air, but college came and I began to breathe life back into my heart. Now I see his life and who he’s become – and I know we weren’t each other’s future, though I am happy to see his going precisely as it should, with a woman and child that he clearly adores.
In 2004 I joined the navy and I met who I thought was the love of my life. So much so that I married him. He was untrue in the end and our marriage dissolved, but through the pain, the divorce, the shame and embarrassment, the guilt and loneliness – I found support in my family and friends, and life went on. I have seen him exactly once since over the decade since we divorced, and his life path is so different than mine that I know for certain we made the right choice. His career, wife and child are exactly what he wanted, and that’s not me, but that’s ok.
I met another love, but he decided only much later that he could feel the same, so we both cried, and in time we became distant acquaintances, with a birthday sentiment here and there. We remain in touch from time to time, but I feel his pangs of regret and I certainly don’t wish him to hurt, but the love I once held for him will never come back, of that I am sure.
Another stranger came and went, again with me hoping he was the one. He loved me kindly and surely, but he did not love himself or me enough to do what needed to be done for either of us. Again too late, he pleaded but my heart and head knew the truth. He is another lovely, distant acquaintance who I wish only the best for. He has moved to a place which brings him more peace and has a woman who matches his interests far better than I did. She clearly adores him and I wish them, and their cats so much happiness.
Once more another, we loved passionately and filled a void within each other that needed healing, but knowing that, we couldn’t burn as long as we did bright. He is now engaged to be married, within about 18 months from the time he ended things with me, which I think is just proof certain that his heart was never mine. It was a nice, decent heart, but it was looking for someone else, and has found her now.
And so in conclusion, I know there’s been a MINIMUM of six heartbreaks I thought I would never again feel after, and yet here I am. All so different but parts of me remained the same. I guess that’s what feels the most striking about THIS most recent heart break…that in the rubble and pangs of grief, I have truly found a new layer of myself. I have felt the deepest parts of my heart that only echo with the sounds of gasping tears. Through all the hurt, knowing myself and dusting my heart back off truly feel safe and right, and that I wouldn’t trade for anything.